i really hope that i don't end up having the kind of face that looks like it's smelling bad cheese all the time.
but, i like it when people make this face. i think it's funny.

been waving a mugwort wand around my foot to rid myself of hatred and warts.

embarassment seems to be the main theme in my life.

i've realized that i am really freaked out by my own success. how do i fix this?

life and death

There is so much death surrounding me. and at the same time, so much celebration of life.
people i love losing people they love, people i love bringing new life into the world, people who love each other pledging their lives to one another.
my reality has turned much more serious.
how do i deal with all these things. of course some are joyful and others painful but, i want to give equal attention to both.
if before life was a distant acquaintance, now life is slapping me in the face.
i wish i had some help.

i am going to work at an adult entertainment establishment. as a waitress.

ugh, fucking, whatever.

i let my cat to the grossest things.
i feed her salmon and i let her eat it on my sheets.
the salmon oils saturating and her kitty saliva making a little puddle on the bed.
but she's so cute!

1. What is your current obsession? meat cake comics, coconut popsicles.

2. What is your weirdest obsession? the twlight saga? picking zits.

3. What do you see outside your window? I-90, beacon hill, the house next door.

4. What is your favourite colour? cobalt blue

5. What is your weakness? doughnuts, fluffly dogs and cats, pavel.

6. What animal would you be? a cat. or an otter.

7. What would you like to learn how to do? blow glass, fix a bike, grow tomatoes, open a beer with a lighter, make kombucha, use a knitting machine, look beautiful in photographs every time, irish dance, speak russian, german, spanish and hindi, sail a boat, ice skate backwards, shoot a gun.

8. What do you want to never happen in life? for people to freak out when they hear the truth, and for people to not lie.

9. What is on your bedside table? kleenex roses, bottle of water, journal, pen, book, medications

10. What's the last thing you bought? gas for my car.

11. What do you think about the person that tagged you? no one tagged me. i got this quiz off of olivia's blog. maybe she'll think i'm a creep for reading her blog annoymously...i don't mean it meliciously.

12. What was your favourite children's book? cloudy with a chance of meatballs.

13. Who do you want to meet in person? i don't know...

14. What did you want to be as a child? a romantic lady, an mystical angel, and dangerous witch, loved by a beautiful man.

15. What did you dream about last night? i don't remember, probably pavel.

16. Which do you prefer, day or night? coudy days.

17. What's your favourite piece of clothing in your closet? my black, lace up, high heeled stevie nicks boots.

18. What's your plan for tomorrow? more homework.

19. What would you like to get your hands on right now? hair dye. more vicodin.

20. What is your must have of the moment? all my homework done magically.

21. What's your favourite tea flavour? ginger

22. If you could go anywhere is the world right now, where would you go? where pavel is. but maybe to seal beach, but i'd want to bring friends (mostly pavel).

I am very hurt and confused, and it is my own damn fault.
my feelings are too intense.
uncontrollable.

mother of all demons

i feel really bad. but a minute ago i was feeling really good.
what's up with that?

i don't wanna!!

unshakable, complete embarassment

i want to just close my eyes, and have it be.

general embarrassment